Family is family

Its times like this that make me see just how worthless it is to have hatred in your heart. What is the point of hating someone so much? What do you gain from holding a grudge? Think of all the space you could have in your heart to love and be happy if you would just let it go.
I wish I could make everyone see things my way, sadly, I know I cannot.
I'm guilty of not liking people. I'm guilty of not being the nicest person on the planet. I have an opinion and will let everyone know it before I think of how it might affect others.
I've learned to let go of things that I can't change. I've learned that just because someone has hurt me doesn't mean that I need to do the same to them. I don't need to hate, I don't need to hold on to that anger. I'm trying to be better and its taken a lot for me to get here. And I know I still have a ways to go. But I am trying.
I just wish others could see what a waste it is to hold onto anger. How it eats away at you and you don't even realize it

Whose the most evil?

Me.
I'm horrible. I have such great people around me. And I'm so mean to them. :( I was in such a good mood but just let one tiny insignificant thing happen and I'm done with everyone and everything.
This isn't something new...but I have noticed that my. . .rage( for lack of a better word) is getting worse. I feel like I am angry at the world more than I am happy.
I'm not sure why I get so mad I wish I could control it. I wish I were a better person. 

A heavy heart

I've had a really bad couple of days.
I know everything, be it good or bad, happens for a reason.
I know this is God's way.
I can't help but cry. I can't help but hurt. But I know with time, this all will pass.
I am grateful that my God has given me such an amazing person who will wrap me in his arms and keep me from falling to pieces. Thank you lord for granting him with all the right words to calm me, with the patience to deal with me when I'm not completely acting like myself. I am thankful to have and be surrounded with such an amazing family. Both mine and his. I truly am a blessed soul. . . I can't help but think, hope, that its because I have such amazing angels up there who remind God not to forget about me.

Heartbreak

I've never known heartbreak like I've experienced it today.

Today it was confirmed that I miscarried my first pregnancy.

My heart aches. My soul hurts for my unborn child, for myself, for my Beto. My very core is broken.

I know that things like this happen. I know its without reason. But I can't help but be angry I can't help but be hurt. I feel defeated. My body didn't do what it was supposed to do. Take care of the baby. Nourish it and help it to grow.
My positive felt to good to be true. Will I never be a mommy? Why did this happen? I want this so bad....and yet here I am.

Not pregnant.

My Blessing

I woke up today feeling blah. I have a cough and a sore throat. Complete yuckiness! I got dressed & I drove to work. I was feeling pretty damn sick. I wasn't even excited that tomorrow is my birthday.... Then I checked my phone...and great my period is supposed to come today. :/ just adding onto my horrible day.
So I have to pee and something makes me think. Take a damn test and get it over with. I go to the bathroom pee...finish without even looking at the thing. Then when I pick it up to to look at my negative test to my surprise I see a faint positive!!
Oh my gosh!!
Is it real?!
Am I really pregnant?!
I am!!!
Even if its light...its still there a faint pink line. I'm pregnant.
I'm so overwhelmed with happiness! I'm so full of joy! I can't believe that its happening.
A baby.
I've been praying since i saw that line. Please lord please virgin Mary please let me carry this baby to full term. Please grant me a child. Pregnancies are so delicate at this stage. I know just how easy I could lose the baby. Please give her or him life. Please let me hold her/him please with all my soul I beg. Please.

My shower thoughts

Ever been in the shower and you hear noises outside of the bathroom? Your heart races along with your mind and you find yourself thinking "someone broke into my house, is killing my family, stealing all our stuff, they're going to find me, rape me, kill me, and I'm going to have to fight them naked." And at that moment you accept the challenge. You look around you to find a weapon ...soap? ...razor? ...towel? ...nothing in here so your mind moves outside of the shower and think ...curling iron? ...hamper? Why do I not keep weapons in the bathroom for when situations like this arise!!??
You start imagining that maybe just maybe if you run out of there naked, you may startle the robber/killers and make it out alive. You never know! But isn't it funny how you just accept 'shit is about to go down and I just may loose my life in this battle. . . Naked'.
I love how my thought process is! I'm so imaginative!

Docs orders

My amazing ObGyn called me today with my lab work results. He informed me that my numbers are great (13.1)! They're showing that I am ovulating. He asked how I've been, and me, being honest replied. Frustrated. Frustrated with all of this. Because I am. He told me not to be. Its normal to not get pregnant right away. That many couples that don't have fertility problems and ovulate normally may take a few tries but it happens. That I need to give it time. That's what it takes . . .time.
The down side is that clomid should make me regular. I'm still irregular. I don't fall in the 28 day cycle instead I'm averaging 32-33 days. :/ so he said there is a possibility that I cod have other hormonal issues and i may possibly need extra progesterone when I do and if I do get pregnant. I'm yo give clomid a few more tries before he does more testing because right now it's still early.
Today is my 28th day. Still no period. So I wait. If by Friday I still don't get it then I have to take a pregnancy test and pray for a positive. If not then another round of clomid.
Praying hard for a positive.
But I can't help but feel hopeless and still frustrated.