Her Positive

The worst emotion is the double emotion.

When your sad and happy both at the same time. My coworker found out that she's pregnant today. I'm SO happy for her, but I can't help but be sad for myself. It seems like I'll never have that. And that just hurts so bad. :'(
Life isn't fair, this I know. . .
God has a plan for me. And it just isn't my time to be a mommy yet.

But that's not going to stop my feeling crushed for the moment.

Crocodile tears?

Super sad today and last night. :/ not sure if this is from the Clomid? I've been off it now for a couple of days....but I'm still sad. I wasn't when I was taking it. Just one morning when I was getting dressed I randomly started balling. But last night I just fell to pieces. And today I'm still down. :( I woke up to a rainy morning (my absolute favorite kind of day) and here I am sad. I've been fighting back tears all today. Its horrible. I just want to go home get in bed and shut myself off from the world.

^^^^^

not sure when i wrote that exactly. . . but boy do I remember it. Ahh the joys of hormones. Praying this round doesnt make me this emotional again.

updates? blah

So I am currently on my second month of Clomid. :/ Not quite sure how I feel about this. It frustrates me that I’m not "normal".

My first month on Clomid was no good. Obviously I’m still not pregos. I didn’t ovulate. AT ALL. My progesterone level was 1.4. Horrible. All those mood swings and me just being and all around emotional wreck were for nothing. I felt helpless. I wanted to go to bed and cry. But since i was at work when I received the news from my OBGYN I sucked it up like a big girl. And just went on with my day with a heavy heart. I hate feeling broken. That’s how i see myself. Broken. Infertility tears you apart. But there’s a reason I was given this challenge and I’m not giving up.

So on to the second cycle of Clomid. So far so good. I switched from taking my clomid every morning to every evening (I read somewhere that if you take it at night the side effects aren’t so bad since you sleep through most of them). The RN at my OBGYNs office upped my dosage to 100mgs a day from 50mgs. I’m feeling good. Tonight will be my 3rd dosage. I have my fingers crossed. That this month can maybe, hopefully, be the one. If not well . . . I haven’t got that far with my thinking yet.

I’m different. I can tell I’m not the same as I once was. I feel drained and sad. I still refuse to tell anyone about the issues that I have and just how bad I want a baby. Whenever they ask about why I’m taking pills or why I’m getting blood work, I always have an excuse. “They’re just trying to figure out why I don’t get my periods” “they want to know why I don’t ovulate” “the meds are to make me have a period.” I’m just not ready to say “We’re trying to have a baby” I’ll admit, I’m afraid of failure. I'm afraid that everyone is going to find out that I’m trying and then not only will I be let down but so will they. I’m already letting my Beto down even though he won’t say it out loud. That’s how I feel.  L

Boo. I just made myself sad all over again.