Heartbreak

I've never known heartbreak like I've experienced it today.

Today it was confirmed that I miscarried my first pregnancy.

My heart aches. My soul hurts for my unborn child, for myself, for my Beto. My very core is broken.

I know that things like this happen. I know its without reason. But I can't help but be angry I can't help but be hurt. I feel defeated. My body didn't do what it was supposed to do. Take care of the baby. Nourish it and help it to grow.
My positive felt to good to be true. Will I never be a mommy? Why did this happen? I want this so bad....and yet here I am.

Not pregnant.

My Blessing

I woke up today feeling blah. I have a cough and a sore throat. Complete yuckiness! I got dressed & I drove to work. I was feeling pretty damn sick. I wasn't even excited that tomorrow is my birthday.... Then I checked my phone...and great my period is supposed to come today. :/ just adding onto my horrible day.
So I have to pee and something makes me think. Take a damn test and get it over with. I go to the bathroom pee...finish without even looking at the thing. Then when I pick it up to to look at my negative test to my surprise I see a faint positive!!
Oh my gosh!!
Is it real?!
Am I really pregnant?!
I am!!!
Even if its light...its still there a faint pink line. I'm pregnant.
I'm so overwhelmed with happiness! I'm so full of joy! I can't believe that its happening.
A baby.
I've been praying since i saw that line. Please lord please virgin Mary please let me carry this baby to full term. Please grant me a child. Pregnancies are so delicate at this stage. I know just how easy I could lose the baby. Please give her or him life. Please let me hold her/him please with all my soul I beg. Please.

My shower thoughts

Ever been in the shower and you hear noises outside of the bathroom? Your heart races along with your mind and you find yourself thinking "someone broke into my house, is killing my family, stealing all our stuff, they're going to find me, rape me, kill me, and I'm going to have to fight them naked." And at that moment you accept the challenge. You look around you to find a weapon ...soap? ...razor? ...towel? ...nothing in here so your mind moves outside of the shower and think ...curling iron? ...hamper? Why do I not keep weapons in the bathroom for when situations like this arise!!??
You start imagining that maybe just maybe if you run out of there naked, you may startle the robber/killers and make it out alive. You never know! But isn't it funny how you just accept 'shit is about to go down and I just may loose my life in this battle. . . Naked'.
I love how my thought process is! I'm so imaginative!

Docs orders

My amazing ObGyn called me today with my lab work results. He informed me that my numbers are great (13.1)! They're showing that I am ovulating. He asked how I've been, and me, being honest replied. Frustrated. Frustrated with all of this. Because I am. He told me not to be. Its normal to not get pregnant right away. That many couples that don't have fertility problems and ovulate normally may take a few tries but it happens. That I need to give it time. That's what it takes . . .time.
The down side is that clomid should make me regular. I'm still irregular. I don't fall in the 28 day cycle instead I'm averaging 32-33 days. :/ so he said there is a possibility that I cod have other hormonal issues and i may possibly need extra progesterone when I do and if I do get pregnant. I'm yo give clomid a few more tries before he does more testing because right now it's still early.
Today is my 28th day. Still no period. So I wait. If by Friday I still don't get it then I have to take a pregnancy test and pray for a positive. If not then another round of clomid.
Praying hard for a positive.
But I can't help but feel hopeless and still frustrated.

A Facebook post

"I have 30 fingers and 30 toes. 6 legs and 6 arms. 3 heads and 3 strong hearts beating inside of me. :)"

My jealousy is running wild right now. She gets twins. I still have none. :'(
Once again here I am with that happy AND sad feeling. Will i always be stuck in this happy sad world?
If I were still a little girl this is the part where I'd start crying and stomping my foot because I'm not getting my way.

Will I ever be a mommy?

Disappointment. Its in my vocab.

Today was the day of truth.
The day to find out if I will be a mommy in 9 months.
I was so excited. But no |+| sign for me. I got a big fat evil |-| :'(
Ovulation or no ovulation. No baby for me this month . . .
I'm heartbroken. I'm crushed. I'm so sad. I was so hopeful. . .
Today is not a good day.
Please excuse me while I go cry in the corner.

Progesterone level

So, Friday September 28th was my 21st day on my second round of Clomid. So it was time for my blood draw to test my progesterone. Yikes.

Skip ahead to 10/3/12 per my Drs. office my level was 16.5! Yay! She said I ovulated!!! How exciting! But totally scary at the same time! They say anything over 15 is good if medicated. So, whew. I’m 1.5 over. I don’t know how I’ll feel if this round doesn’t result in a baby. I’m just overjoyed that my body is reacting positively to the treatment. And the waiting game begins. Period …or no period. Fingers crossed for no period and positive pregnancy tests!!!!

Im so excited! I feel like for once in my life I am truely one step closer to being a mommy. ^-^ That feeling is amazing. I am a ball of nerves. I pray that this works. Please oh please hear my prayers. . .