My shower thoughts

Ever been in the shower and you hear noises outside of the bathroom? Your heart races along with your mind and you find yourself thinking "someone broke into my house, is killing my family, stealing all our stuff, they're going to find me, rape me, kill me, and I'm going to have to fight them naked." And at that moment you accept the challenge. You look around you to find a weapon ...soap? ...razor? ...towel? ...nothing in here so your mind moves outside of the shower and think ...curling iron? ...hamper? Why do I not keep weapons in the bathroom for when situations like this arise!!??
You start imagining that maybe just maybe if you run out of there naked, you may startle the robber/killers and make it out alive. You never know! But isn't it funny how you just accept 'shit is about to go down and I just may loose my life in this battle. . . Naked'.
I love how my thought process is! I'm so imaginative!

Docs orders

My amazing ObGyn called me today with my lab work results. He informed me that my numbers are great (13.1)! They're showing that I am ovulating. He asked how I've been, and me, being honest replied. Frustrated. Frustrated with all of this. Because I am. He told me not to be. Its normal to not get pregnant right away. That many couples that don't have fertility problems and ovulate normally may take a few tries but it happens. That I need to give it time. That's what it takes . . .time.
The down side is that clomid should make me regular. I'm still irregular. I don't fall in the 28 day cycle instead I'm averaging 32-33 days. :/ so he said there is a possibility that I cod have other hormonal issues and i may possibly need extra progesterone when I do and if I do get pregnant. I'm yo give clomid a few more tries before he does more testing because right now it's still early.
Today is my 28th day. Still no period. So I wait. If by Friday I still don't get it then I have to take a pregnancy test and pray for a positive. If not then another round of clomid.
Praying hard for a positive.
But I can't help but feel hopeless and still frustrated.

A Facebook post

"I have 30 fingers and 30 toes. 6 legs and 6 arms. 3 heads and 3 strong hearts beating inside of me. :)"

My jealousy is running wild right now. She gets twins. I still have none. :'(
Once again here I am with that happy AND sad feeling. Will i always be stuck in this happy sad world?
If I were still a little girl this is the part where I'd start crying and stomping my foot because I'm not getting my way.

Will I ever be a mommy?

Disappointment. Its in my vocab.

Today was the day of truth.
The day to find out if I will be a mommy in 9 months.
I was so excited. But no |+| sign for me. I got a big fat evil |-| :'(
Ovulation or no ovulation. No baby for me this month . . .
I'm heartbroken. I'm crushed. I'm so sad. I was so hopeful. . .
Today is not a good day.
Please excuse me while I go cry in the corner.

Progesterone level

So, Friday September 28th was my 21st day on my second round of Clomid. So it was time for my blood draw to test my progesterone. Yikes.

Skip ahead to 10/3/12 per my Drs. office my level was 16.5! Yay! She said I ovulated!!! How exciting! But totally scary at the same time! They say anything over 15 is good if medicated. So, whew. I’m 1.5 over. I don’t know how I’ll feel if this round doesn’t result in a baby. I’m just overjoyed that my body is reacting positively to the treatment. And the waiting game begins. Period …or no period. Fingers crossed for no period and positive pregnancy tests!!!!

Im so excited! I feel like for once in my life I am truely one step closer to being a mommy. ^-^ That feeling is amazing. I am a ball of nerves. I pray that this works. Please oh please hear my prayers. . .

Her Positive

The worst emotion is the double emotion.

When your sad and happy both at the same time. My coworker found out that she's pregnant today. I'm SO happy for her, but I can't help but be sad for myself. It seems like I'll never have that. And that just hurts so bad. :'(
Life isn't fair, this I know. . .
God has a plan for me. And it just isn't my time to be a mommy yet.

But that's not going to stop my feeling crushed for the moment.

Crocodile tears?

Super sad today and last night. :/ not sure if this is from the Clomid? I've been off it now for a couple of days....but I'm still sad. I wasn't when I was taking it. Just one morning when I was getting dressed I randomly started balling. But last night I just fell to pieces. And today I'm still down. :( I woke up to a rainy morning (my absolute favorite kind of day) and here I am sad. I've been fighting back tears all today. Its horrible. I just want to go home get in bed and shut myself off from the world.

^^^^^

not sure when i wrote that exactly. . . but boy do I remember it. Ahh the joys of hormones. Praying this round doesnt make me this emotional again.