PCOS & Me

I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) in 2011. So a little about PCOS....it sucks. My hormones are a mess so I don't ovulate. I have irregular periods.... my weight fluctuates all the time... acne .... facial hair. Its horrible. The worst part is the infertility that comes along with it. I never really questioned  why I had never become pregnant. Just thought it was the way it was, the way that God intended for it to be. But after all the lab tests and talking with my Dr it wasn't until he told me "you have something called PCOS...this is the reason why your periods are so irregular. Now here's the thing, with PCOS it can be very difficult for you to become pregnant should you choose too." That was all I needed. It was like a fire lit under me. I WANT kids. And who is this PCOS here telling me that I can't have them? See it was one thing for me to say nope...kids aren't for me right now.... Total other thing to have someone tell you that you may never be a parent. I want that for myself. I want a baby I want that normal succession of life....I've been watching everyone around me have kids since I was in high school. Scratch that. One of my friends was pregnant in 8th grade....my family his family. EVERYONE BUT ME. And it hurts. It sucks that I have this, I keep asking why me? When will I have a baby of my own? And the sad part is that I won't tell anyone how much I want this. No one knows...well aside from my beto that is. He's the best. When I told him about the problems we were going to face he accepted it. I told him he didn't have to stay with me. I know he wants kids and since I can't give him that it would be ok for him to find someone who can. (My worst fear.) He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me he decided a long time ago I was the one for him. Baby or no baby were going to be together. *bitter sweet* :') I love him so much. And if its possible, that made me love him more...

So I started trying to take care of the problem.

Going to the gym
Eating right...
taking Metformin to control my insulin levels....but nothing helped.
Ashley is still very irregular.

So we started Provera. A medication to make me have a cycle.. today is my 3rd day. On day 5(Saturday) I begin Clomid. :) and hopefully I become pregnant. I'm praying that clomid is all that I need. I know there is no way we can afford IVF. I'm praying that were able to conceive within the 6months time frame they give you to try clomid(after that its IVF)

I'm praying.

I just want more than anything to have a baby. I want to hold something that is beto and me. A beautiful baby. I want to give him a family. I know he said with or without it didn't matter to him. But it matters to me. I know a baby will make him oh so happy just like me. I want to be a parent. I know there's so much more to life than what I currently have. I question why is it that so many people who don't have the means to support children are able to have them. Why when I can support one can love one unconditionally aren't given one? Its sad. It breaks my heart.. But I'm tired of being jealous of everyone I'm tired of being sad every month because the stick says negative. I'm tired of hating anything to do with babies. Because I dint want to hear "oh ash when are you going to have a baby?!" Or "oh your smart for not having kids!!" They don't know what I'm going through...and it breaks me a little more each time they ask.
So here we go....positive thoughts for clomid!!!