Disappointment. Its in my vocab.

Today was the day of truth.
The day to find out if I will be a mommy in 9 months.
I was so excited. But no |+| sign for me. I got a big fat evil |-| :'(
Ovulation or no ovulation. No baby for me this month . . .
I'm heartbroken. I'm crushed. I'm so sad. I was so hopeful. . .
Today is not a good day.
Please excuse me while I go cry in the corner.

Progesterone level

So, Friday September 28th was my 21st day on my second round of Clomid. So it was time for my blood draw to test my progesterone. Yikes.

Skip ahead to 10/3/12 per my Drs. office my level was 16.5! Yay! She said I ovulated!!! How exciting! But totally scary at the same time! They say anything over 15 is good if medicated. So, whew. I’m 1.5 over. I don’t know how I’ll feel if this round doesn’t result in a baby. I’m just overjoyed that my body is reacting positively to the treatment. And the waiting game begins. Period …or no period. Fingers crossed for no period and positive pregnancy tests!!!!

Im so excited! I feel like for once in my life I am truely one step closer to being a mommy. ^-^ That feeling is amazing. I am a ball of nerves. I pray that this works. Please oh please hear my prayers. . .

Her Positive

The worst emotion is the double emotion.

When your sad and happy both at the same time. My coworker found out that she's pregnant today. I'm SO happy for her, but I can't help but be sad for myself. It seems like I'll never have that. And that just hurts so bad. :'(
Life isn't fair, this I know. . .
God has a plan for me. And it just isn't my time to be a mommy yet.

But that's not going to stop my feeling crushed for the moment.

Crocodile tears?

Super sad today and last night. :/ not sure if this is from the Clomid? I've been off it now for a couple of days....but I'm still sad. I wasn't when I was taking it. Just one morning when I was getting dressed I randomly started balling. But last night I just fell to pieces. And today I'm still down. :( I woke up to a rainy morning (my absolute favorite kind of day) and here I am sad. I've been fighting back tears all today. Its horrible. I just want to go home get in bed and shut myself off from the world.

^^^^^

not sure when i wrote that exactly. . . but boy do I remember it. Ahh the joys of hormones. Praying this round doesnt make me this emotional again.

updates? blah

So I am currently on my second month of Clomid. :/ Not quite sure how I feel about this. It frustrates me that I’m not "normal".

My first month on Clomid was no good. Obviously I’m still not pregos. I didn’t ovulate. AT ALL. My progesterone level was 1.4. Horrible. All those mood swings and me just being and all around emotional wreck were for nothing. I felt helpless. I wanted to go to bed and cry. But since i was at work when I received the news from my OBGYN I sucked it up like a big girl. And just went on with my day with a heavy heart. I hate feeling broken. That’s how i see myself. Broken. Infertility tears you apart. But there’s a reason I was given this challenge and I’m not giving up.

So on to the second cycle of Clomid. So far so good. I switched from taking my clomid every morning to every evening (I read somewhere that if you take it at night the side effects aren’t so bad since you sleep through most of them). The RN at my OBGYNs office upped my dosage to 100mgs a day from 50mgs. I’m feeling good. Tonight will be my 3rd dosage. I have my fingers crossed. That this month can maybe, hopefully, be the one. If not well . . . I haven’t got that far with my thinking yet.

I’m different. I can tell I’m not the same as I once was. I feel drained and sad. I still refuse to tell anyone about the issues that I have and just how bad I want a baby. Whenever they ask about why I’m taking pills or why I’m getting blood work, I always have an excuse. “They’re just trying to figure out why I don’t get my periods” “they want to know why I don’t ovulate” “the meds are to make me have a period.” I’m just not ready to say “We’re trying to have a baby” I’ll admit, I’m afraid of failure. I'm afraid that everyone is going to find out that I’m trying and then not only will I be let down but so will they. I’m already letting my Beto down even though he won’t say it out loud. That’s how I feel.  L

Boo. I just made myself sad all over again.

PCOS & Me

I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) in 2011. So a little about PCOS....it sucks. My hormones are a mess so I don't ovulate. I have irregular periods.... my weight fluctuates all the time... acne .... facial hair. Its horrible. The worst part is the infertility that comes along with it. I never really questioned  why I had never become pregnant. Just thought it was the way it was, the way that God intended for it to be. But after all the lab tests and talking with my Dr it wasn't until he told me "you have something called PCOS...this is the reason why your periods are so irregular. Now here's the thing, with PCOS it can be very difficult for you to become pregnant should you choose too." That was all I needed. It was like a fire lit under me. I WANT kids. And who is this PCOS here telling me that I can't have them? See it was one thing for me to say nope...kids aren't for me right now.... Total other thing to have someone tell you that you may never be a parent. I want that for myself. I want a baby I want that normal succession of life....I've been watching everyone around me have kids since I was in high school. Scratch that. One of my friends was pregnant in 8th grade....my family his family. EVERYONE BUT ME. And it hurts. It sucks that I have this, I keep asking why me? When will I have a baby of my own? And the sad part is that I won't tell anyone how much I want this. No one knows...well aside from my beto that is. He's the best. When I told him about the problems we were going to face he accepted it. I told him he didn't have to stay with me. I know he wants kids and since I can't give him that it would be ok for him to find someone who can. (My worst fear.) He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me he decided a long time ago I was the one for him. Baby or no baby were going to be together. *bitter sweet* :') I love him so much. And if its possible, that made me love him more...

So I started trying to take care of the problem.

Going to the gym
Eating right...
taking Metformin to control my insulin levels....but nothing helped.
Ashley is still very irregular.

So we started Provera. A medication to make me have a cycle.. today is my 3rd day. On day 5(Saturday) I begin Clomid. :) and hopefully I become pregnant. I'm praying that clomid is all that I need. I know there is no way we can afford IVF. I'm praying that were able to conceive within the 6months time frame they give you to try clomid(after that its IVF)

I'm praying.

I just want more than anything to have a baby. I want to hold something that is beto and me. A beautiful baby. I want to give him a family. I know he said with or without it didn't matter to him. But it matters to me. I know a baby will make him oh so happy just like me. I want to be a parent. I know there's so much more to life than what I currently have. I question why is it that so many people who don't have the means to support children are able to have them. Why when I can support one can love one unconditionally aren't given one? Its sad. It breaks my heart.. But I'm tired of being jealous of everyone I'm tired of being sad every month because the stick says negative. I'm tired of hating anything to do with babies. Because I dint want to hear "oh ash when are you going to have a baby?!" Or "oh your smart for not having kids!!" They don't know what I'm going through...and it breaks me a little more each time they ask.
So here we go....positive thoughts for clomid!!!

my potty mouth :#

I admit it.
I have a potty mouth.
For the most part I try to watch what I say, but my mouth gets ahead of me sometimes and before I know it I'm cursing like a sailor. :/ Oops. No bueno. But really I'm trying!!